I just watched Sue Klebold’s talk about her son Dylan and started crying halfway through.
“When someone is in an extremely suicidal state, they are in a stage four medical health emergency. Their thinking is impaired and they’ve lost access to tools of self-governance. Even though they can make a plan and act with logic, their sense of truth is distorted by a filter of pain through which they interpret their reality. Some people can be very good at hiding this state, “
“Yes, he probably had ongoing depression. He had a personality that was perfectionistic and self-reliant, and that made him less likely to seek help from others.”
The reason I started crying was because what she said could as easily be said about myself.
My journey with anxiety and depression started as a young child. I still remember every episode that I experienced.
The ‘asthma’ attacks that weren’t asthma, but panic attacks. Sitting on the thinnest branches in the tallest tree, singing to myself because I felt sad. I was around ten years old.
Climbing onto the top of my cupboard as a teenager while I felt so blue that it was disabling.
As a twenty something, bursting into tears because I couldn’t afford to buy a cup of coffee in a coffee shop. I did have coffee at home. Not being able to get up in the mornings, I just wanted to sleep.
With each bout of depression the severity and duration got worse, until I was in my late thirties and cracked completely.
That was the first time that I accepted that I couldn’t deal with it by myself. I have been diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder or Clinical Depression as some call it. I am on medication and had therapy to find out how my depression started also how to change my thoughts.
For the most part I am back to being a functional human being. But the depression is always lurking in the background and sometimes it is a daily fight to stay on top. I have to force myself to do what needs to be done.
One of the debilitating effects of depression is the feelings of guilt for not being enough. Knowing that I can do better, but never having the energy to carry it out.
Yes, I had/have a suicide plan. I’m not sharing it (I won’t give someone else a readymade plan) and I’m not suicidal at the moment. The medication has erased that filter that I used to look through. I am aware that it isn’t a solution.
What stopped me before and still does, is the fact that I have a responsibility to be there for my kids. I can not commit suicide because of what it would do to them. Their needs above my own.
If you are reading this and feel suicidal, please don’t be like me. Don’t be so independent and self-reliant that it stops you from asking for help.
Google hotlines or just walk into any hospital if you feel that you can’t live anymore. There are people that can help and understand. Please ask for that.